Murderer's Thumbs

There was a cute boy who lived in my building while I was in college. Okay, to be honest, there were many cute boys who lived in my building - I even married one of them - but it is one particular boy who I am remembering today as I prepare to write this post. We were hanging out in his apartment, having one of those casual, surreal conversations about what qualities we were looking for in our future spouse, when he mentioned how important "nice hands" were to him. It was at that point when I hid mine from view and realized he and I were not meant to be. [Looking back, that guy was super lame. Of all the qualities you want/need in a spouse, "nice hands" really shouldn't matter, right?]

You already know about my feet, but it's time I let you in on a little secret, which, if you've ever taken a good look, you already know... I've got wonky hands. My fingers are short and stubby, my nails are weak, and my thumbs are bizarre. When I was pregnant, my hands swelled up so much that my fingers looked like little sausages. Once my wedding ring stopped fitting, I insisted on going to a mall jewelry store to get a plain, cheap gold band to wear so as not to look like an unwed swollen mass. The ring I bought was a men's band, size 12. SIZE 12!!!! By the end of my last pregnancy, even that didn't fit. Fun fact (and reason #57 for why I have no desire to ever be pregnant again): I retained so much water in my last pregnancy that after my son was born, the excess liquid in my body trying to escape caused me to get water blisters all over my hands and feet. It was absolutely as horribly uncomfortable as it sounds. For a mother of a newborn recovering from a c-section, it was a nightmare.

Anyway, all that was to say my hands are wack. And like my feet, my hands have been the subject of my family's musings all my life. Of all my siblings, I am the only one with mutant feet. But with our hands we share a common bond, because 3 out of the 5 of us got some form of odd fingers. Mine are the worst, naturally, but I have a brother and one sister who also suffer from strange digits. When we were all together for a family reunion this past summer, we sat around and laughed about our hands (then everyone pointed and laughed at my feet). It was my affected sister who sent out a family email recently which seriously made my life:

To: my family
From: my sister, Amy (who we affectionately call "Amo")
Subject: Our thumbs explained...

I was talking to a friend the other day when she noticed my thumbs. "You have that dwarf thumb syndrome thing!" she exclaimed. (She's very sweet but not always super tactful). So I decided to get to the bottom of the "Grant thumb" issue. For those of us who have been blessed with one or two of these delightful looking digits, we technically have "clubbed thumbs." The scientific term is Brachydactyly type D (or BDD), although the condition is also known as "murderer's thumb" (fabulous). It's a genetic condition that's actually fairly common. You might also like to know that at least one movie star reportedly has this condition - Megan Fox.

I don't know about you, but I'm ready to OWN my thumbs. No more refusing to share the hymn book with my fellow relief society sisters! No more hiding my thumbs under the plate when handing Christmas goodies to my neighbors! Join me fellow "clubbers!" Say it out loud - I have clubbed thumbs and I'm proud!!!

Wanna join the "club?"
Amo

Never in my life had I sought to find an explanation for my odd thumbs. I just figured, when combined with my feet, I was being taught a divine lesson about avoiding vanity. Then lo and behold! There is a legit medical reason for our thumbs. Clubbed thumbs impact each of my affected siblings in different ways. Amy has normal looking fingers and two dwarf thumbs. My brother Brian is the luckiest of all, since he has one normal thumb and one squat one. As I've previously stated, all my fingers, as well as my toes, look clubbed.

It was the last part of Amy's email that resonated the most, since I absolutely hide my thumbs from people. When sharing a hymn book, I place my whole hand behind to support it rather than have one of my thumbs displayed. I conceal my hands in pictures, try to avoid ordering meals that I must eat with my hands, and never get manicures. While I was in high school, in an attempt to make my hands look more presentable, my mother encouraged me to get acrylic nails. While I doubt they made much of a difference, beautification-wise, I will never forget the first time they tried to fit my thumbs with fake nails and couldn't find a size large enough.

So there you have it. I have dwarf thumbs and wonky fingers. I'm thinking that this must qualify as some sort of disability. What perks could someone with genetically ugly fingers be entitled to? Must do research to find out.

While I'm not sure I'm quite ready to "own" my thumbs like my sister encouraged, I can promise that I will now be more generous with thumb-involved hand gestures. Perhaps someday soon you'll even get a "thumbs-up" from me. If I can work up the courage...