The Ones I Got Away From...

The time has come, my little friends, to share some more stories from my past life as a single flirt. Today, as the title of this post implies, you will learn about guys I used to like and/or date. In order to allow these fellows some small amount of anonymity, I've changed their names and certain identifying details. But first, a disclaimer:

Mom, I know you read this blog and I don't mind, but you might want to skip this one. Or, at the very least, remind yourself that I am now a very happily married adult who turned out just fine. Also, I'm not going to tell you who these guys were, so don't bother to ask. (Love you!)

Also, it is worth noting that there was a time when I didn't date guys who lived the standards that I follow. There were pretty slim pickins among the church boys back then. Anyhoo.....

First up:

Jason
I met Jason during my college years. We hit it off instantly, but it took a while before we started dating because I was involved with someone else. Eventually, we began to hang out and spend more time together. Jason was really charming. He was cute, funny, tall, engaging... and he knew it, too. What I didn't know when we first started dating, but what I discovered over time, is that Jason was also a compulsive liar. I don't think I ever got a straight answer out of him about anything. He lied about his family, where he lived, what his major was -- he even lied about how he spelled his name. ("It's actually spelled Jaysen," he told me.) I'm not kidding. Every time he picked me up for a date, he arrived driving a different car and he always had an explanation as to why.

So why did I keep seeing him? First of all, I didn't realize he was lying right away (I must have been blinded by his charm). It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of his driver's license that I realized he'd lied about how he spelled his name. Also, he was fun! On one of our dates we skipped class and went skiing. He kept taking me down black diamond runs, and I'm really more of a blue square kind-of girl, so he spent a large part of the day watching me snowplow down moguls, but still, we had a good time. Then one day he just sort of vanished. He stopped calling, I found some other guy to like, and I forgot about him. Six months passed and during that time I figured out what a catch he wasn't. Then one evening he showed up on my doorstep with a story about how he had temporarily moved to the East coast, but now he was back and wanted to start seeing me again. In his hand was a bouquet of fresh-picked roses that he claimed to have grown and cultivated by himself, and all I could think was how some poor old lady was going to be really ticked when she next stepped into her garden and realized her flowers had been violated. That night, I let "Jaysen" down gently, deflected his attempt to kiss me, said goodbye, and never saw him again.


Bill
Ah, Bill. He was quite the guy. Another charmer and a total heart-breaker. There aren't a lot of details I can share about him without the risk that some of my readers might figure out who he is. But I will tell you about the time, after we'd been seeing each other off and on for several months, that we went out on a group date and in one night I lost every ounce of attraction I'd ever felt for him. Ready?

One night a group of us went out to dinner at swanky restaurant and then went dancing. I remember three things about our meal:

1. It was a nice seafood restaurant and I was the only one out of 4 girls who ordered fish. All the other girls got fettuccine alfredo. Lame.

2. At one point all of the girls except me made one of those group trips to the restroom to freshen up. When they returned to the table a few minutes later, I was surrounded by all of their smiling dates, telling what I'm sure was the most charming and hilarious tale ever told, which resulted in me getting the stinkeye from each girl.

3. Since everyone but him was underage, Bill decided he wanted to impress us all by ordering a glass of wine with his meal. Not cool. Idiot move. Not only did he get carded, which is just embarrassing, but he was a lightweight. One glass of wine made him tipsy and made me annoyed because it meant I'd have to drive for the rest of the night.

When the dancing portion of the evening arrived I learned something shocking and horrible. Bill could not dance. I mean, it was awful. He had no rhythm and flailed around like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld.

I was mortified and not surprisingly, instantly lost every ounce of attraction toward him. After the dancing we all decided to head back to my place to hang out some more, but on the drive home I sent Bill packing. And that was the end of my relationship with Bill.

Mike
Mike was older, really popular, and in hot pursuit of one of my sisters. Since I had a crush on almost every guy my sister liked or dated, it shouldn't surprise you that Mike was no exception. One night he called to talk to her, but I answered and she wasn't home, so instead he tried to work his charms on me. The only part of the phone conversation that I remember, lo these many years later, was when he decided to serenade me over the phone with his own version of Prince's Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world? <--------(unfamiliar with it? click the link and brace yourself.) It was the most repulsive thing I'd ever heard. When will guys learn that unless they have a voice like Michael Buble, they have no right to serenade a girl? All she wants to do is cringe and escape. What's truly sad is that these tactics must have worked on others because this Mike was rarely without girls fawning all over him. Thankfully, after that phone conversation, I was over him. I'm pretty sure my sister was wise enough to avoid his cheese as well.

Chris
I met Chris while I was in high school. He was older, seemed wiser, and was the type of guy who made whatever girl he was with feel like she was the only girl in the world that mattered. Unfortunately, Chris also was a big fan of movies about the mafia: The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas, you name it. But I didn't know this until after he suckered me into believing that he had ties to the mob. (See, now this is where I get really embarrassed because I sound like such a gullible twit, which, maybe I was). One night he told me the most elaborate tale about how he had gotten involved with the mafia, how he had this huge showdown and almost killed someone, but instead just shot him in the knee. It all sounded so ridiculous, but I really liked this guy (for reasons that must not seem obvious) so I chose to accept that part of his past since he said he'd managed to get out. Many months later Chris finally confessed to me that he'd made the whole thing up and he had felt guilty for lying to me about it. Why any guy would think that ties to the mafia makes him more appealing is beyond me.

Steve
I had a massive crush on Steve when I was in high school. You might think that detail would be a dead giveaway for who "Steve" really is (for those who knew me when), but if you knew me at all in high school then you know that I had, on average, about five massive crushes going on at any given time. Yes, if you hadn't guessed already, I was really boy crazy. Steve and I were good friends who shared a lot of classes together and ran in the same circles. I don't think my crush on him was any secret to Steve. We just had really bad timing. When I was interested in him, he was involved with someone else. By the end of our senior year, we were both involved with other people... but that didn't stop him from asking me to go with him to our post-graduation senior celebration night. I declined.

Once when I was home from college for a visit, Steve asked me out. We went to dinner and then over to the house that he was sharing with some of his college buddies. As we hung out, it slowly began to dawn on me that all residual feelings I had for him were gone. He was a great friend, but nothing more. Unfortunately, I think at the exact time I had that revelation, Steve decided that he had feelings for me. Like I said, we had really bad timing. He started to give me a shoulder massage, and I was excessively creeped out. I think random massages rank right up there with serenades when it comes to automatic turn-offs for most women. I politely excused myself from his presence and was more than happy to return to school a few days later.

and finally...

Todd
This is the only circumstance described in this post where I am willing to admit that I was the bigger idiot, so enjoy:

When I was in high school I worked at a local brew pub/restaurant as a hostess. On Monday nights, I moonlighted as the "weenie girl" in the bar, selling hot dogs during Monday Night Football. It was on one of these nights that I met Todd. He was cute and funny, and he must have liked me too because he kept leaving his table of friends to come back over to talk to me. I learned that he was a 24 year-old grad student attending the major university in my hometown. When Todd asked me where I went to school, I told him that I also went to said major university, which wasn't a lie and here's why: My senior year I applied for and was accepted to the High School-University program. I spent the morning at my high school, then a few days a week I left campus after lunch and earned college credits by attending classes at the university. It was actually a really wonderful program and I'm glad I did it.

Anyway, when I told Todd that he and I went to school together, I didn't think much of it. Yes, it was technically a half-truth, but I was just flirting and it seemed like no big deal. That is, until he asked me out. You know how they say that you shouldn't tell lies because before you know it, you've spun a web of deceit? Yeah, well, here's a cautionary tale for you, friends: If you tell a guy that you go to the same school he does, chances are, if he's interested in you and wants to prolong the conversation, he's going to ask you questions like what's your major? and what courses are you currently taking? and pretty soon that little white lie has spun itself into a big ol' mess.

Because I couldn't pass up the opportunity to go out with a really good looking college guy, I accepted his offer and thought not about how I would get away with it. I gave Todd my number and he called the next day to set up a date. That's when things started getting tricky. He commuted over an hour each way to and from the university, so there were limited windows of time that he was able to meet me. After comparing class and work schedules, the only times he and I were both available happened to be in the middle of the day when I was supposed to be attending high school. Logically, there was really only one solution to my predicament: ditch school to go on a date, of course!

The appointed day arrived, we met at the parking lot of the place where I worked, then drove together over to the botanical gardens at the university. We walked and talked, and had a lovely time, marred only by the creeping sense of guilt I felt because I knew I was being dishonest and I needed to tell him the truth -- that he was on a date with an underage high school girl. After the botanical gardens we headed to lunch at Applebees, and I slowly built up my resolve to confess. Wait until you hear my brilliant plan to break the news...

While we were eating, I mentioned that there was something I needed to show him. I then proceeded to pull out my wallet and placed on the table before him two school IDs with my picture on them, one from my high school, on from the university, both with the current year clearly showing at the top. When he looked confused I explained that while I technically went to the same school he did, I also had yet to graduate from high school, was only 17, and was ditching school to go out with him. He handled it as well as a man who had been completely blindsided could. He said it was no big deal, but it was pretty obvious that it was in fact a VERY big deal. We ended the date back at the parking lot, with him promising to call and me knowing he never would. He had confessed a secret of his own while we were at lunch -- that he had once had his license suspended for a DUI -- so in all honesty, I think we both felt like we'd dodged a bullet by the end of that date.

So, that was a completely accurate and unbiased re-telling of my encounters with some of the men of my past. Sorry I couldn't post pictures of these fellas for you. Instead, I'll post a picture of Jason's celebrity look-alike and assure you that all were just as handsome:


You would put up with a little compulsive lying to date this guy, right?

Ring Shopping

When last I wrote, you learned all about my wonky hands and a bit about my struggles with ring- wearing while pregnant. What I didn't confess to you at the time, but am now willing to divulge, is that the wedding ring I currently wear is a fake. FAKE!!! False, bogus, phony, fakety-fake fake fake!

While I was pregnant with my youngest, my hands swelled and made it impossible for me to put on my wedding ring. Unfortunately, after my baby was born, the sausage-like expansion of my ring finger made it difficult for me to wear my wedding band on any finger but my pinkie. Since that would look ridiculous, as I am not a member of the mafia, I decided the next best alternative was to head on over to amazon.com and find the classiest fake diamond ring my money could buy. With a whopping $30 budget and the only qualification that it had to come in a size 10 — I know! — I began my hunt. After an extensive search wherein I realized that almost every woman in the world wears a ring at least four sizes smaller than what I needed, I finally found a few decent options to choose from.

$29 and two days later (thanks, Amazon Prime!), my tarnish free rhodium plated sterling silver band with a clear, brilliant cut cubic zirconia ring arrived.

When I pulled it out of the box, I was relatively satisfied that it did not look any cheaper in person than it did in the pictures. I chose to overlook the fact that one of the small accent "diamonds" was missing, since clearly I got what I paid for. Nevertheless, I slid it on my chubby little hand and rejoiced in the fact that I no longer had a naked left ring finger.

Now here's the part that's a bit embarrassing... I frequently get compliments on my ring. I've never known how to handle these comments because on the one hand, if I simply say "thank you" I feel like I'm being deceitful, but if I point out that it is indeed fake, I feel like I'm insulting the taste of the complimenter (like, "you're so dumb that you can't tell a real diamond from a cheap knock-off"). I usually just try to change the subject as quickly as possible so as to avoid any more awkwardness.

It's been four years and my fake ring is showing signs of wear. Once I tried to clean it using jewelry cleaner, but it started to literally disintegrate the moment I dipped it in the chemicals. Luckily with a little buffing, I saved it from an untimely demise, but from that point on I knew that the only way my ring could get cleaned was when I washed my hands. ("Rhoduim plated sterling silver" can withstand water, so it seems). I bought for my husband a watch as a gift last Christmas, and while I was there the jeweler offered to clean my ring "for free" — I was mortified and declined as politely as I could. Handing my $29 ring over to a jeweler for closer inspection was obviously not an option.

As it turns out, my original wedding ring fits me once more, and the size 10 phony ring falls off my finger. So why, you ask, am I still wearing the fake? It's simple: my old ring is busted (from being sized up and down too many times, remarkably), a prong is loose, and frankly I don't really like it. [Gasp! The Horror! How can your husband still love you after a statement like that?!] It's true, I said it, I don't love my wedding ring.

What I am about to write will come as no shock to my husband, so there's no need for you to worry about the state of our marriage after this post gets published. When Scott and I were at that point in our relationship where marriage was discussed and we were "unofficially engaged," he asked me what kind of ring I would like. At the time I thought it was tacky for a girl to pick out her own ring (silly, naive, judgmental little old me), so I gave Scott a few guidelines and wished him luck. [Looking back, this was probably the first of many times in our relationship that I later learned my husband could not, in fact, read my mind]. When the time came for him to present me with my ring, Scott, bless his heart, gave me exactly what I asked for, which means I clearly wasn't specific enough.

The ring was simple (what I said I wanted), a diamond solitaire (perfect), set on a thick gold band (uh oh). Here's what Scott couldn't have know but what I would have realized if I'd tried it on before he bought it: the ring, though lovely, made my finger look like an overdressed bratwurst. Thick band + fat finger = bad news. It's not that I hated it, I just felt really self-conscious about the girth of my finger. But I wore it for years, had it sized up and down each time I had a baby, and was generally content with the effort that Scott made to pick out something like I said I wanted. But after my last pregnancy, due to the reasons listed two paragraphs ago, I put my ring in a safe place and the rest you already know.

A few months ago, Scott said the most beautiful words I always longed to hear: "Darling, why don't you get your diamond re-set?" Turns out, he's not a fan of my amazon.com special. He loves me and wants me to be happy, so it doesn't really bother him that my original setting isn't working for me anymore. He wants me to stop wearing a CZ and start wearing the lovely diamond he scrimped and saved to buy me 12 years ago with his hard earned money. (Oh, have I ever told you about how I had established a "ring fund" for myself when I started college? I tucked away part of my wages from each of my random jobs, put it in a savings account, and planned to present it to my future hubby when ring shopping time arrived. I figured that whatever my soon-to-be hubby could afford, I'd probably want something that cost a little more, so my slush fund could make up the difference. See, I was such a catch!).

So here's where I need your help. You see, I'm in the market for a new ring setting, and I want your opinion. What is it you love about your ring? What, if anything, don't you like about your ring? (Don't worry, I won't tell your husband). I'm excited to pick out something new, but feel overwhelmed at all of the choices out there. Tell me what to buy, would ya?

a message for my high school crush

Dear boy I liked in high school,

It's been a loooooong time. I haven't seen you or spoken to you in over a decade. So why, may I ask, do you keep disturbing my sleep with cameo appearances in my dreams? This has been going on for years, boy I liked in high school, and I would like it to stop. Having you waltz through my dreams every few weeks, sometimes interacting, other times just looming... well, it's kind-of weird. It would be ungracious of me not to point out that you are always very respectful, never attempting to do anything that I, as a happily married woman, would consider untoward. But still, just the fact that you're there seems a bit inappropriate, don't you think? Perhaps what we really need is some closure. Is that why you're still lingering in my subconscious? Alright then, let's sort this out.

Here's the thing, boy I liked in high school: we both know that you were one of many crushes I entertained during those formative years. I am willing to admit that I was completely boy-crazy, suffered from what I now realize was a bit of a self-esteem problem, and as a result pursued and dated a number of boys that I now regret. But you were different, I think... because nothing ever happened between us. We were just friends. We had lots of classes together, ran in the same circles, participated in some of the same activities, spent time hanging out and talking on the phone. We were good friends and I valued our friendship, but without hesitation I would have become more-than-friends with you. And I think you must have known that.

I can't say that I liked you for four solid years, because there were times that you drove me crazy! You were an idiot and sometimes a little mean and I didn't always approve of the girls you liked or dated. But the thing that has always frustrated me when I'm forced to think about you, boy I liked in high school who keeps lurking in my dreams, is that I'm fairly certain that you liked me too. Like, liked me liked me. You wouldn't admit it to yourself, but you did. And I think we could have been really great together, in a temporary, you're-not-my-soulmate-but-I-can-learn-a-lot-from-you kind of way. At the very least, you could have prevented me from going after that one guy, the total jerk who used me and broke my heart a little. That would have been nice.

I didn't go to our ten year reunion. I doubt you were there either. We've obviously both moved on with our lives and are full-fledged adults now with real, grown-up relationships and responsibilities. I'd like to think that if I ever saw you again we'd be able to fall back into that easy friendship that we once had. But I can't imagine when or where we'd ever see each other again. So let's just be content with the knowledge that if our adult selves had been around to advise our teenage selves, perhaps things would have been different. But they weren't, and that's ok.

So, do you think we've worked through our issues, boy I liked in high school? Have we come to an understanding wherein you could now kindly step away from my peaceful slumber and stop hijacking my dreams? That would be so thoughtful of you. It would almost make up for your teenage ignorance.

Yours most sincerely,

Me

Guilty (TV) Pleasures

We've all got them, right? Shows we watch that we're not really willing to admit that we watch. For me it started my freshman year of college. My roommate, who meant so much to me that I can't even remember her name, brought with her to our tiny dorm room a portable TV and an obsession with the soap opera Days of Our Lives. Everyday at 2:00 pm, we watched the lives of Salem's elite unfold on that 12 inch screen. By the end of winter semester I was hooked. When I planned my schedule for sophmore year, I made sure that I had no classes during that precious 2:00 hour. Yes, I was that pathetic.

The good news is that I gave up watching Days shortly after my first baby was born. To be honest, I pretty much gave up watching any daytime television that didn't involve Dora or Elmo. But that doesn't mean I've stopped having shows that I'm embarrassed to admit I watch. So, it's time to confess. Here are just a few shows that I will now admit that I love. Two are no longer on the air, but that's what TV on DVD is for, right?

Dawson's Creek

This is where my love for Josh Jackson began. Who can resist his charm? Let me share with you some classic season 3 moments from one of my favorite episodes:



And:



The OC

Another great, dearly departed show. I love Ryan. And season 4 with Ryan and Taylor together was so much fun to watch:



And now for my current guilty pleasure...

Gossip Girl

I know this show is trash. I know I should dedicate my time to more worthwhile pursuits. I cannot help myself. Here is just one reason why:





So, now you know. I've got a serious thing for bad boys on trashy shows. Pacey...Ryan...Chuck. Or maybe I just like a pretty face...

Josh Jackson



Ben McKenzie



Ed Westwick



Okay, so maybe it's more about the men. You know what? I'm okay with that.
__________________________________________

I've told you my guilty TV pleasures. Now you tell me yours...

the infamous research paper

REDACTED!!!

I'm afraid the time has come to remove this highly amusing and thoroughly inappropriate post. Hope you enjoyed it while it lasted...

5 things

Today you will learn five things that you would only know about me if you'd been a friend of mine in high school:

1. I kissed A LOT of frogs before I found my prince.

Not sure how much I can elaborate on this one. Needless to say, I was a little boy-crazy in my younger days. When I met my husband, I discovered that he was (and is) the perfect combination of all the qualities that my old boyfriends lacked. I'm a lucky girl.

2. I used to be platinum blonde. No lie.

Not only that, but I had a custom CA license plate that read "IMBLOND". Looking back, I'm not entirely sure why I was so eager to advertise that fact. I'm thinking it was a desperate ploy for attention.

3. Senior year, my typical breakfast was a 48 oz. cherry coke that I would consume during 1st period AP English.

Several times a week, on my way to school from seminary, I would stop at "Freshhh Donuts" on Third Street to get my drink. The owners knew me by name.

4. I worked at a Brew Pub.

As a hostess for the restaurant section. Many of my most interesting high school experiences can in some way or another be tied to that job. Met my first love there. Worked as the "weenie girl" (hot dog vendor) for Monday Night Football. Somehow ended up one of 3 girls at a party with the entire UCR baseball team. Good times...

5. I liked to ditch school.

In my defense, I still managed to graduate with honors. But by senior year, especially after the college acceptance letters had rolled in, there wasn't much to keep me from the occasional lazy day at the beach. And then there was the time I ditched so I could go on a date with a college guy who I'd lied to when I told him I was in college too. That whole situation didn't end well.

So, did you learn anything new? Are you thoroughly shocked? I look back on my youth and can't help but be grateful that I grew up and somehow managed to become a grounded and responsible adult. For the most part.

Rock On

I'm a list maker. It's just part of who I am. So, today I give you a list of the concerts I've been to. These are in no particular order.

NKOTB

Michael Bolton (w/ Celine Dion as his opening act!!!)
Erasure ***most bizarre show ever***

The Jets

Harry Connick Jr.
Indigo Girls

Oingo Boingo (twice, including their final performance ever)

REM

Marie Osmond

Live

Weezer

The Skeletones (4 times - I was not a groupie!)

Dave Matthews Band

Better Than Ezra ***best concert ever***

Billy Joel

Neil Young

toad the wet sprocket (twice)

Ben Folds Five

Squirrel Nut Zippers

Big Head Todd & the Monsters

Dance Hall Crashers

Primus

Unwritten Law

Del Amitri

KROQ's 1st Annual Weenie Roast and Sing Along featuring:

Terence Trent D'Arby
X
Dramarama
Gin Blossoms
Stone Temple Pilots
Lemonheads
The The
The Posies
Rocket From the Crypt

That's it, I think. Not bad for a 30 year-old girl who grew up in So Cal, huh? I have great stories to tell about a few of these - but some things are better left unpublished, in my opinion.

p.s. If you tell anyone about the New Kids concert, I will deny it.