Mom, I know you read this blog and I don't mind, but you might want to skip this one. Or, at the very least, remind yourself that I am now a very happily married adult who turned out just fine. Also, I'm not going to tell you who these guys were, so don't bother to ask. (Love you!)
Also, it is worth noting that there was a time when I didn't date guys who lived the standards that I follow. There were pretty slim pickins among the church boys back then. Anyhoo.....
First up:
Jason
I met Jason during my college years. We hit it off instantly, but it took a while before we started dating because I was involved with someone else. Eventually, we began to hang out and spend more time together. Jason was really charming. He was cute, funny, tall, engaging... and he knew it, too. What I didn't know when we first started dating, but what I discovered over time, is that Jason was also a compulsive liar. I don't think I ever got a straight answer out of him about anything. He lied about his family, where he lived, what his major was -- he even lied about how he spelled his name. ("It's actually spelled Jaysen," he told me.) I'm not kidding. Every time he picked me up for a date, he arrived driving a different car and he always had an explanation as to why.
So why did I keep seeing him? First of all, I didn't realize he was lying right away (I must have been blinded by his charm). It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of his driver's license that I realized he'd lied about how he spelled his name. Also, he was fun! On one of our dates we skipped class and went skiing. He kept taking me down black diamond runs, and I'm really more of a blue square kind-of girl, so he spent a large part of the day watching me snowplow down moguls, but still, we had a good time. Then one day he just sort of vanished. He stopped calling, I found some other guy to like, and I forgot about him. Six months passed and during that time I figured out what a catch he wasn't. Then one evening he showed up on my doorstep with a story about how he had temporarily moved to the East coast, but now he was back and wanted to start seeing me again. In his hand was a bouquet of fresh-picked roses that he claimed to have grown and cultivated by himself, and all I could think was how some poor old lady was going to be really ticked when she next stepped into her garden and realized her flowers had been violated. That night, I let "Jaysen" down gently, deflected his attempt to kiss me, said goodbye, and never saw him again.
Bill
Ah, Bill. He was quite the guy. Another charmer and a total heart-breaker. There aren't a lot of details I can share about him without the risk that some of my readers might figure out who he is. But I will tell you about the time, after we'd been seeing each other off and on for several months, that we went out on a group date and in one night I lost every ounce of attraction I'd ever felt for him. Ready?
One night a group of us went out to dinner at swanky restaurant and then went dancing. I remember three things about our meal:
1. It was a nice seafood restaurant and I was the only one out of 4 girls who ordered fish. All the other girls got fettuccine alfredo. Lame.
2. At one point all of the girls except me made one of those group trips to the restroom to freshen up. When they returned to the table a few minutes later, I was surrounded by all of their smiling dates, telling what I'm sure was the most charming and hilarious tale ever told, which resulted in me getting the stinkeye from each girl.
3. Since everyone but him was underage, Bill decided he wanted to impress us all by ordering a glass of wine with his meal. Not cool. Idiot move. Not only did he get carded, which is just embarrassing, but he was a lightweight. One glass of wine made him tipsy and made me annoyed because it meant I'd have to drive for the rest of the night.
When the dancing portion of the evening arrived I learned something shocking and horrible. Bill could not dance. I mean, it was awful. He had no rhythm and flailed around like Elaine on that episode of Seinfeld.
I was mortified and not surprisingly, instantly lost every ounce of attraction toward him. After the dancing we all decided to head back to my place to hang out some more, but on the drive home I sent Bill packing. And that was the end of my relationship with Bill.
Mike
Mike was older, really popular, and in hot pursuit of one of my sisters. Since I had a crush on almost every guy my sister liked or dated, it shouldn't surprise you that Mike was no exception. One night he called to talk to her, but I answered and she wasn't home, so instead he tried to work his charms on me. The only part of the phone conversation that I remember, lo these many years later, was when he decided to serenade me over the phone with his own version of Prince's Could you be the most beautiful girl in the world? <--------(unfamiliar with it? click the link and brace yourself.) It was the most repulsive thing I'd ever heard. When will guys learn that unless they have a voice like Michael Buble, they have no right to serenade a girl? All she wants to do is cringe and escape. What's truly sad is that these tactics must have worked on others because this Mike was rarely without girls fawning all over him. Thankfully, after that phone conversation, I was over him. I'm pretty sure my sister was wise enough to avoid his cheese as well.
Chris
I met Chris while I was in high school. He was older, seemed wiser, and was the type of guy who made whatever girl he was with feel like she was the only girl in the world that mattered. Unfortunately, Chris also was a big fan of movies about the mafia: The Godfather, Casino, Goodfellas, you name it. But I didn't know this until after he suckered me into believing that he had ties to the mob. (See, now this is where I get really embarrassed because I sound like such a gullible twit, which, maybe I was). One night he told me the most elaborate tale about how he had gotten involved with the mafia, how he had this huge showdown and almost killed someone, but instead just shot him in the knee. It all sounded so ridiculous, but I really liked this guy (for reasons that must not seem obvious) so I chose to accept that part of his past since he said he'd managed to get out. Many months later Chris finally confessed to me that he'd made the whole thing up and he had felt guilty for lying to me about it. Why any guy would think that ties to the mafia makes him more appealing is beyond me.
Steve
I had a massive crush on Steve when I was in high school. You might think that detail would be a dead giveaway for who "Steve" really is (for those who knew me when), but if you knew me at all in high school then you know that I had, on average, about five massive crushes going on at any given time. Yes, if you hadn't guessed already, I was really boy crazy. Steve and I were good friends who shared a lot of classes together and ran in the same circles. I don't think my crush on him was any secret to Steve. We just had really bad timing. When I was interested in him, he was involved with someone else. By the end of our senior year, we were both involved with other people... but that didn't stop him from asking me to go with him to our post-graduation senior celebration night. I declined.
Once when I was home from college for a visit, Steve asked me out. We went to dinner and then over to the house that he was sharing with some of his college buddies. As we hung out, it slowly began to dawn on me that all residual feelings I had for him were gone. He was a great friend, but nothing more. Unfortunately, I think at the exact time I had that revelation, Steve decided that he had feelings for me. Like I said, we had really bad timing. He started to give me a shoulder massage, and I was excessively creeped out. I think random massages rank right up there with serenades when it comes to automatic turn-offs for most women. I politely excused myself from his presence and was more than happy to return to school a few days later.
and finally...
Todd
This is the only circumstance described in this post where I am willing to admit that I was the bigger idiot, so enjoy:
When I was in high school I worked at a local brew pub/restaurant as a hostess. On Monday nights, I moonlighted as the "weenie girl" in the bar, selling hot dogs during Monday Night Football. It was on one of these nights that I met Todd. He was cute and funny, and he must have liked me too because he kept leaving his table of friends to come back over to talk to me. I learned that he was a 24 year-old grad student attending the major university in my hometown. When Todd asked me where I went to school, I told him that I also went to said major university, which wasn't a lie and here's why: My senior year I applied for and was accepted to the High School-University program. I spent the morning at my high school, then a few days a week I left campus after lunch and earned college credits by attending classes at the university. It was actually a really wonderful program and I'm glad I did it.
Anyway, when I told Todd that he and I went to school together, I didn't think much of it. Yes, it was technically a half-truth, but I was just flirting and it seemed like no big deal. That is, until he asked me out. You know how they say that you shouldn't tell lies because before you know it, you've spun a web of deceit? Yeah, well, here's a cautionary tale for you, friends: If you tell a guy that you go to the same school he does, chances are, if he's interested in you and wants to prolong the conversation, he's going to ask you questions like what's your major? and what courses are you currently taking? and pretty soon that little white lie has spun itself into a big ol' mess.
Because I couldn't pass up the opportunity to go out with a really good looking college guy, I accepted his offer and thought not about how I would get away with it. I gave Todd my number and he called the next day to set up a date. That's when things started getting tricky. He commuted over an hour each way to and from the university, so there were limited windows of time that he was able to meet me. After comparing class and work schedules, the only times he and I were both available happened to be in the middle of the day when I was supposed to be attending high school. Logically, there was really only one solution to my predicament: ditch school to go on a date, of course!
The appointed day arrived, we met at the parking lot of the place where I worked, then drove together over to the botanical gardens at the university. We walked and talked, and had a lovely time, marred only by the creeping sense of guilt I felt because I knew I was being dishonest and I needed to tell him the truth -- that he was on a date with an underage high school girl. After the botanical gardens we headed to lunch at Applebees, and I slowly built up my resolve to confess. Wait until you hear my brilliant plan to break the news...
While we were eating, I mentioned that there was something I needed to show him. I then proceeded to pull out my wallet and placed on the table before him two school IDs with my picture on them, one from my high school, on from the university, both with the current year clearly showing at the top. When he looked confused I explained that while I technically went to the same school he did, I also had yet to graduate from high school, was only 17, and was ditching school to go out with him. He handled it as well as a man who had been completely blindsided could. He said it was no big deal, but it was pretty obvious that it was in fact a VERY big deal. We ended the date back at the parking lot, with him promising to call and me knowing he never would. He had confessed a secret of his own while we were at lunch -- that he had once had his license suspended for a DUI -- so in all honesty, I think we both felt like we'd dodged a bullet by the end of that date.
So, that was a completely accurate and unbiased re-telling of my encounters with some of the men of my past. Sorry I couldn't post pictures of these fellas for you. Instead, I'll post a picture of Jason's celebrity look-alike and assure you that all were just as handsome:
You would put up with a little compulsive lying to date this guy, right?
2 comments:
Hilarious. Loved this post. Do we get to see what ring you picked yet? I'm dying to see it.
everything that steph said.
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