Peace and Quiet

I remember once being at a gathering of women where we were playing some "get-to-know-you" games. The following question was posed: "If you had one day all to yourself, with no responsibilities and no one else's needs to attend to, what would you do?" My response came easily, without requiring much effort to think it over. Here's what I presented as my perfect, carefree day:

Wake up when my body is ready to

Eat a leisurely breakfast

Go for a run, not worrying about how long I'm gone or how far I go

Return home and shower, taking time to pamper myself with all of those extra at-home spa treatments -- like facial masks and exfoliating creams -- that I never have time to use

Fix lunch and sit down to enjoy it

Spend all afternoon reading a book

Have a light dinner

Watch a period drama (with Austenian men wearing breeches and speaking with British accents) while eating a big bowl of ice cream

Go to bed whenever I feel tired

Seems really simple, right? It wasn't until we kept going around the room, hearing the responses of the other women, that I realized something about my ideal day: it involved no one else, and aside from going out to run, it didn't include me going anywhere. Other women talked about making plans to go to lunch with a friend, or calling someone they hadn't spoken to in awhile, but not me. All I wanted was to be alone. Which doesn't surprise me one bit, because it's something I've known about myself for a long time: I love solitude.

This is not a new phenomenon -- I have sought peace and quiet since I was a kid. Being raised the 4th out of 5 kids meant I was born into noise and clamor. While I have many fond memories of growing up, most of my memories of my childhood homes involve me finding a quiet space to play, all by myself. Sometimes it was a closet, or a group of trees in the backyard, or even an oft unused space, like the dining room. The first time I had my own bedroom I was 10, and it was such welcome change. Not that I didn't love my siblings, or enjoy spending time with them, because I did (and still do). I just craved time to myself, a feeling that hasn't diminished in adulthood.

I wouldn't classify myself an an introvert. In fact, I love talking to other people and making new friends. I've had times in my life when I have felt lonely, and it feels awful. For me, there is a difference between loneliness and being alone. Loneliness is when you feel like there's no one who likes or cares about you. Being alone is when the people who care about you just aren't around. Maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but it's the definition that works for me. I would classify myself as a "homebody." I love to be in comfortable surroundings, and for me there is no place more comforting than home.

But home, while sometimes peaceful, is rarely silent. With three kids and a spouse needing attention, moments for quiet reflection are rare. When my kids were very young, I could count on naptime for a brief respite. Now that my kids are a bit older, during the school year, there are windows of time when my oldest two are in elementary school, my youngest is in preschool, and I have time to myself. Often I use the time to get errands run, go to the doctor, pay bills, volunteer at school, or have the occasional lunch date with a friend. It's a little bit of freedom, and I don't take it for granted.

It's been two weeks since school let out for the summer. I certainly don't mind having a break from packing lunches and helping with homework, but there has been a whole lot of togetherness, and just like in past years, it has taken some time for me to adjust. Last night after the kids were in bed I went to the store. As I was driving from my first stop, Costco, to my next stop, SuperTarget, it occurred to me that for the first time in 8 days, I was by myself. It was an ordinary trip to pick up some groceries, but it was something. It was a break.

Please don't misunderstand... I love my family. I love spending time with my husband and my kids. But I don't handle chaos well. When life is hectic and days are crazy, I need time and space to recuperate. I doubt I'm the only person who feels this way; I imagine it's quite common. Forget flowers or perfume, one of the best gifts Scott can give me is to take the kids somewhere on a Saturday afternoon and let me stay home. This afternoon, he and the kids went for a bike ride. Even with the house to myself and endless possibilities for how to kill the time, what did I do? I cleaned the kitchen, swept the floor, vacuumed the family room, and began to write this post. I was a few paragraphs in when they arrived home. But it was enough. Enough time for me to recharge and get through the rest of the day.

I know they say that someday, when I'm old and gray, I'll miss the noise caused by an active family and a busy life. Perhaps they're right. It's hard to imagine, but I'm sure it's true. And I don't know that I'll ever have a day that's completely free from any responsibilities, but I'm quite certain I know what I would do if I did.

How about you? If you had a day all to yourself, with nothing to do and nowhere to be, what would you do?